Missy eLLe Rants

.. only if you let them.

Funny thing about words is they are invisible. Yet sometimes the way some people say them, it drives you mental, breaks your heart or kill your self esteem leading to depression. On a worst case scenario, words can seriously annilate your existance mentally and lead to suicide.

Speaking of which, one of the biggest spoiler of the day for me is people come and criticise me, first thing in the morning. Then again, I always think back and say, well, there's a long day today, should I let this person ruin everything?

The obvious answer to me is, NO. In the past, I used to carry my sour face around when I'm not in a good mood or offended by certain people. Mind you, it's not a pretty sight since I'm such a horrible actress. It seems that with age and learning from the past, I've refined this approach. Emotional (a.k.a. emo) and short tempered people, don't drive me mental like they used to. Of course, there will be times I would feel hurt, but more often than not, I have the capacity to let go.

I've spoken to Dr Allen, my good friend cum mentor, on my odd, newly found behaviour. He thought it's a high EQ trait. EQ is basically your ability to handle emotions. Sounds good theoritically, but I'm not too sure if it's a desirable trait for anyone. Perhaps, if it's any good to anybody, I'd like to share on how I deal with difficult emotional situations involving people. So here goes:

First, when emo or short tempered people start saying the nastiest things, the key is to keep in control. Remember that, there is no point being angry at the same time because it would, on majority basis, increase the severity of the issue.

Second, if you know that person well, try to understand why they react that way. This involves deeper thought and empathy towards the other party. For example, someone who is constantly benchmarked in the past with his/her brothers/sisters would go berserk to be compared with your ex(es) - like me. This was one of my biggest issues in the past (probably still is) - thanks to my upbringing on always having to win and beat my siblings at anything and everything.

Third, understand the issue as the person articulate it. It may not even be about you nor an issue to start with. You may have been a minor contributor to a timebomb waiting to explode. Like they say, wrong timing. So, do not feel guilty or be apologetic beyond the necessary. It will only kill your esteem and make the other party loose respect towards you and your selfworth.

Fourth, this is one of the most important steps in EQ with people. Once you've done the above, you can either:

1) Absorb, apologise (only if you have to, and if it's in any way, your fault) or

2) Walk away and resolve the issue later when the exploded party is in a more cheery mood or

3) Just walk away, forget about the issue and deal with that person whenever you can.

Finally, if you can't deal with that person there and then, just hang up if you are on the phone or choose to go home early if you are face-to-face. It's probably better to save your and the other parties' emotions to just acknowledge you've reached your emotional limits.

Then again, if it's an issue that keep cropping up every other day, then you should seriously wonder if you and your friend/boyfriend/better half really is compatible and understood each other enough to start with. All these conflicts of feelings could mean difference in expectations, lack of understanding each other etc. Doesn't mean it is the end of the world!

On another note, stress is also a catalyst towards successful handling "emotions with care". Stressed out people tend to have mental hijacks that makes certain brain signals bypass the logical function of the brain and straight to reflex. So, better not deal with anything heavy and serious with stressed out people.

Also, if a person gave you feedback about you, take it as a neutral thing. It can either work for or against you. Trust me, behind every honest feedback, there is some truth behind it. The only question is how much should one swallow it.

So, save your heart for the more important things. For example, for loving and being loved in return, for forgiving and receiving forgiveness towards self and others etc.

Don't let it get hurt by these invisible words unnecessarily. Your feelings are your own and no one can savour them but you.

ps: if you have issues about some things people say to you, I'd suggest you go to a special course that is designed to offload these complex burden. Don't be ashamed - even I had to go through that process. It helps even more someone you do not know provoking your thoughts than those close to you. Worst choice is your loved ones. Trust me, they are the last you'd ever listen to when it comes to your feelings. People like Dr Allen, deal with these kind of things professionally. Hey, it worked for me (not with Dr Allen, but a similar course)! :)