Missy eLLe Rants

where the world don't matter

25.10.09

Death Is Inevitable

Posted by Missy eLLe | Labels:

Yes, it's been a very long time. Missy eLLe has nothing much to say now but just goodbye. 


Sadly, I'd never expected the death of Missy eLLe to come so soon. Perhaps, even too soon for my own conscious. Just a month ago, she was born just to die the following month. 

You must be wondering, why, Missy eLLe has to die? Why writers get very volatile with all this shut down and revive cycles over and over? Frankly, I don't really know. For most of the reasons, life has different meaning to me now. Missy eLLe is no longer an outlet of creativity which works for me. Plus, certain events also annihilated Missy eLLe to her very core till she sees no light at the end of the tunnel. 

Mere irregular updates were last resorts to resuscitate her life. Death is her now.  

Goodbye, again. My apologies to those I might have offended. Maybe, I'm not meant to be a blogger forever after all. While it lasted, I enjoyed it immensely. 

Thank you everybody.

Ps: As a sign of my appreciation to those who follows me, I shall write the final installment of Deflowered Innocence soon. 

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12.10.09

Gift of Ramadhan

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Ramadhan has left me with many chores, hence the temporary hiatus. In short, I've been thinking, analysing, reaching out and finally settled. It's good to be home again.

I'd wished I could describe more what has happened within these past few weeks but words don't come easy these days. Maybe someday, I'll find my way back being the more articulate person I was. For the meantime, this is all there is:

In the name of Allah most gracious and merciful,

Dear Allah,

Thank you. You have lent me Your Light, Love, Strength, Peace, Forgiveness and Compassion in my journey through life. Hold me close, as I need You. And with Your permission, I hope someday to meet You in the Heavens.

Amen.

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2.10.09

Certain Something

Posted by Missy eLLe | Labels:

I wanted to continue where I left off. My thoughts were blank. 

I wanted to pen down something truthful. My courage erased them all.

I wanted to share wisdom from what I've been through. My mood turned it off.

Something is brewing, I don't know what. It's not a state I'd like to be in. In fact, it's a state I despise being in.

It robs my mind, my life and my heart, away from what I call life. This is starting to become an emo blog again. 

Guess I'm back to square one. Only, under a different name and facade. Some things just don't change at all. Welcome back MT, only now, it's just Missy eLLe speaking. 

So much for renewing self image lah kan? We'll see if this phase is here to stay.

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30.9.09

Deflowered Innocence (part 1)

Posted by Missy eLLe | Labels:

I used to blog this true story in my old blog. However, today is a remake with a novelistic approach. Some parts were exaggerated by my recollections, but mostly I tried to stick to the original story line.

It was quarter past two, I remembered. That day seemed aridly hot, despite the circling air spewing from giant rattling fans rotating within the space of four walls, surrounding us.

Tia*, her hair were shining ravenblack. Her eyes were forlorn, as if smiling in pain. I've always found here eyes intriguing, mysterious.

We were sisters. We weren't gay, though we were from a girls' school. She was like a younger sister I never had. Music was our passion, that's what brought us together. We would share our passion for this melodic mathematical art off school hours and the other things - which were less signficant.

Seconds passed so slowly, sound of the clock's ticking seemed to take every space in the school hall. She had something to tell, something deep. So I waited. Patiently.

"I have problems." she started saying.

"What's troubling you?" I replied.

"I tried telling my batchmates but they were too young to understand. I wanted someone older to hear me." Crystal beads slowly forming in her brown eyes. 

"Tell me then."

"It's my brother." Somehow, my heart had an inkling it's something dark, murky. An unchartered territory that nobody wanted to be in.

"What about him?"

"Can't you understand me already?" (more like, takkan tak paham-paham lagi kut? were the exact words)

Silence filled the room. Minutes went by without any words exchanged. Nada. There was nothing to do but braced through this, I thought.

Like any 17 year old, I could only lend my ears. Also, my black pen and unused A4 science book - in case words become too difficult to utter.

Tia started to fiddle with the pen, sketching the weirdest things, then it went to constant poking into my poor old science book as if venting bottled up anger. God knows how hard I tried to stay calm watching Tia. All I could do was just.. waiting, and waiting until she was willing to pick up from her last words before. 

Eventually, the conversation carried to details that were too much for a 17 year old like me to swallow and a 14 year old to tell.

"It started when I was 9. I didn't understand what was going on, but I think my mother suspected something. At that time, it was just you know, curious on the outside. I think he was 15 at that time, learning about the first chapter on human biology." (the 80s babies would know what chapter this is).

Stunned I was. "He's your brother, how could he?"

"Half brother."

"Oh."

"It didn't happen often, I mean, only when I went back to my hometown. That's why I don't like long holidays. I have to face that two-faced hypocritical demon. He can play alim with ketayap with my parents but still do it with me upstairs, while my parents are downstairs."

"Why didn't you ask for help? Did you even cry for help?"

"No I didn't because when it first happened, I was too young. I didn't know what was going on. Now I do."

More pen poking into science book. Only this time, the pen was already becoming blunt, running out of black juice. My eyes could only let her be.

"Nobody believed me you know. My screwed up sisters thought I hated him, trying to get attention."

"Your parents?"

"My dad doesn't fucking care. I told him last year when it last happened. You know what he said to me?"

"What?"

"Benda dah lama, lupakan je lah. Well, when I told him, it was already months since it last happened. He also thinks that if I reported it to the police, there's no proof. All the traces are gone. The police might think I'm a bohsia. Of course he is fucking protecting his favourite son. I hate him. I hate them both."

My jaw dropped instanteneously. Almost speechless. To be morally correct, her father was never bound to be helpful anyway. He's an abuser and cheater to be exact. Maybe he expected his son to be just like him. Wallahualam. 

"How about your mother?"

"She's the only one who cares about me in that wretched family. I don't want to tell her, I feel as though I've dissapointed her."

For a moment I felt like puking. It seemed so fucked up. The whole bloody thing was. Lost for words, I called it a day. Those 4 hours we sat there seemed the longest in my life.

Suddenly, it felt like the weight of her problems fell on my shoulders. 

***

After lights off time, there were nights when I would loiter around Cik J*'s quarters. Of course, this remained a secret from many - who in their right mind would want to be the favourite of the most hated warden in a boarding school? That's just asking for peer pressure cum trouble. 

Anyway, that fateful night, for all the respect I had for Cik J, I decided to seek her advice on what happened to Tia.

"Who's this girl?" Cik J asked, after I spilled the details.

"I can't say. She asked me not to tell anyone. But I need your advice to help her, if I can."

"It's tough. For all you know, she could be enjoying it herself. There's no way to proof the rape."

Honestly, she sounded as fucked up as the father herself. Enjoying herself sounded too disgusting for a naive girl I was, even if it's true. Maybe, she didn't have kids and divorced once, hence, couldn't care less. Not sure the latter fact made her say what she said. It sounded plain sick to me, and that same sick feeling this afternoon recurred as those words rung again and again in my head.

Her advice naturally, didn't lift a finger of burden off me. Days passed as I drowned in my thoughts on what to do next.

* are not their real names.

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26.9.09

I'm Proud of You

Posted by Missy eLLe | Labels:

... though I never told you enough. I'm truly proud of you.


Mommy: Pagi tadi Aja called, mommy tak sempat angkat. So camna kat spital? 

Aja: Biasa lah, busy. Eh Aja takleh cakap lelama tau, ada patient nak beranak sangat ni! Nanti tepon balik. 

Can't believe my little brother now is a real doctor, handling life threatening situations with his bare hands. Some facts just take time to sink in. 

Thank you for making mom's dream come true. Aku tak mampu dulu, 6 years was way too long for someone with short attention span like me. 

May you be blessed and guided by Him in every decision you make, through your journey of healing others and yourself too.

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23.9.09

C.I.N.T.A

Posted by Missy eLLe | Labels:

... adalah salah satu topik yang memang aku jarang tulis di blog lama aku. Bagi aku, cinta ni topik yang terlalu jiwang, yang aku rasa bikin diri sendiri nampak agak desperate gak kalau blog pasal cinta ni. 


Tapi harini aku nekad. Sebab ada something yang aku nak share dengan golongan yang salu frust bercinta. So entri ni hanya untuk broken hearted members only. Yang lain - yang ada boyfriend, makwe, laki, bini dsb. boleh la baca stakat suka-suka je.

Aku sebenarnya dah banyak kali bercinta. Terlalu banyak, aku pun dah berhenti mengira baper ramai exes aku yang ada. Tapi yang betul-betul serious takdelah ramai sangat. Tak sampai sebelah tangan kalau nak kira.

Dulu-dulu aku bercinta sebab suka-suka je. Member cakap best. So try je lah. Port paling senang nak cari internet. Zaman dulu-dulu, internet tak macam skarang. Hanye sesetengah orang je yang mampu - kebanyakkannya middle class to high class citizens. CC pun agak mahal time tu. Bukan aku nak cakap besar, jauh sama skali. Cuma itulah hakikat. Bayar dialup bukannya murah. So sape yang mampu jelah ade internet kat rumah.

Ramai jugakla lelaki yang aku rasa not bad aku jumpa kat internet zaman tu kalau banding ngan sekarang, especially kat chatrooms public. Ada yang aku kenal dari internet jadi serious, ada yang langsung tak. Ada jugak yang aku ingat nak try bercinta dengannya tapi tak jadi sebab tak memenuhi citarasa diri sendiri. Kesimpulannya tak kekal pun sebab masa tu baru tryout session. Macam experiment pulak.

Pastu masuk pulak zaman universiti, masa nilah social circle agak meluas sikit. Mungkin terlalu luas. Terkandas jugak dua tiga kali, tapi yang betul-betul terkandas dua kali. First, boyfriend aku yang first tinggalkan aku sebab jauh. Tu aku paham. Lagipun dia dah keje, so ramai lagi pompuan yang dekat yang lebih memahami dia yang lebih sesuai dengannya. Bila fikir balik, Alhamdulillah jugak aku tak jadi ngan mamat ni sebab aku dapat tahu 5 tahun kemudian dia telah murtad. Pada pandangan akulah, murtad tapi Allah lebih mengetahui. Alasan aku mengatakan dia murtad sebab dia tak mengaku Islam, walaupun dia rasa ada satu Tuhan je kat bumi ni. Bagi dia semua agama (baik Yahudi, Kristian dsb) semua asalnya dari Tuhan yang sama. Wallahualam. 

Second, yang ni aku break ngan dia lepas aku introduce bestfriend aku (pompuan) dekat ex aku, dia ngorat pulak bestfriend aku. Masa tu rasa sangat sakit, dunia sangat gelap. Kebetulan time tu gaduh pulak ngan mak ayah. So korang pempaham je lah betapa gelapnya dunia aku time tu. Dahla dok overseas jauh gila. Nasib baik ada yang prihatin mengingatkan aku siapa aku masa ni. 

Tapi sejak daritu aku agak lost. Mak ayah aku ni jenis yang sibuk dengan kerjaya masing-masing. So, kadang-kadang aku rasa aku perlu ada boyfriend sebab aku lonely. So aku susah nak single lelama. Tak bercinta pun takpe, asalkan ada je sorang guy yang rapat pun jadilah. Kawan ke, flirt ke, boyfriend ke. So, zaman lepas kerja ni zaman yang cukup tak stabil bagi aku. Lebih baik takyah citer lah drama zaman jahiliah ni. Tak ada yang betul-betul serious pun time ni.

Bila aku dah dua tahun keje, aku dapat sorang yang steady. Pastu aku jatuh sakit, break jugak ngan dia. Aku tak salahkan dia sebab keadaan agak complicated time tu, tapi memang aku frust. Then second pun sama, dah nak tunang pun, break jugak. Tapi dia ni memang ada campur tangan family. Antara beberapa alasan diorang - takut anak laki diorang tanak balik Sarawak lagi bila kahwin ngan aku. Ni pun aku dapat tahu bila dah break. Nasib baik jugak tak jadi sebab kalau tak, mesti kene layanan teruk from supposedly in-laws. Hikmahnya aku tahu sebulan ke dua bulan lepas break.

Kesimpulannya, memang aku tak bangga ngan ramai boyfriend or kawan lelaki. Tapi aku nak share pengajaran dari pengalaman aku ngan korang yang senasib ngan aku.

Tujuan bercinta tu penting. Kalau stakat nak menggantikan kasih sayang mak, ayah, abang, adik yang kita kurang dapat, memang tak lama kita bercinta. Lebih baik kita terima hakikat kekurangan kasih sayang dalam hidup kita dan cuba tingkatkan hubungan kita ngan orang-orang yang berkenaan daripada menggantikannya dengan cinta dari orang luar. 

Kenalilah pasangan kita betul-betul. Mampukah kita hadapi suka-duka dengannya? Kita terima tak kelemahan dan kebaikan dia? Kalau kita ada rasa kureng dalam hati tu, kita kene ingat, mende ni boleh jadi masalah yang besar kelak kalau kita tak terima betul-betul yang kureng tu. 

Lagi satu, kalau kita terkandas bercinta, mesti ada hikmah dia. Macam kes tak mengaku Islam yang aku citer tadi. Memang time baru break ni antara yang paling pahit, sukar, gelap, lost skali. Kadang-kadang berlalu ngan pantas, tak paham kenapa boleh break. Masa nilah kita kene muhasabah diri, kesilapan kita dengan ex kita dan Allah. So banyakkan bertaubat dan mohon pentujukNya. Yang paling penting, lepaskan emotional baggage (beban perasaan) yang ada. Takut nanti kita akan bawak tabiat buruk dengan pasangan baru kononnya takut frust lagi. Contoh, rasa syak wasangka berlebihan, cemburu buta, pemarah tak pasal, fobia bukan-bukan dsb.

Bagi yang pernah frust tu yang paling penting, kenali pasangan baru betul-betul. Kita akan rasa macam kene interview orang pulak, tapi memang berbaloi sebab kita takyah buat mistake yang sama dua kali. Hati-hati dengan petanda dia ni laki orang ke, buaya ke dsb. Macam mana tahu, ha, ini episod akan datang, OK? Pernah aku mengelak dari kene buaya dengan sorang mamat ni sebab aku cukup berhati-hati bila awal-awal berkenalan. Ramai pompuan aku dengar dia dah "balun". Wallahualam. Istikarah awal-awal pun elok juga - kalau dah lambat kang hati dah berat sebelah dan ada perasaan takut kehilangan pasangan semua. 

Akhir kata, cinta ni cuma bahagian Allah yang Dia izinkan wujud sesama umat di dunia. So, kalau dah dapat perasaan cinta tu, jagalah baik-baik kesuciannya. Macam barang, kalau kalau kita bagi kat orang, kita harapkan orang tu appreciate, betul tak? Macam tu jugakla cinta dari Allah. 

Dengan setiap hadiah ada dugaannya. Kalau orang tu tak cintakan kita balik, itu dugaan kita. Kalau dibalas dengan cinta jugak, Alhamdulillah. Lepastu akan datang godaan nafsu, syaitan dsb. Sebab itulah, kita kena appreciate cinta dengan kehormatan tertinggi, perasaan bersyukur yang teramat sangat dan jaga dan lindungilah kesucian cinta itu. 

Hakikat yang paling penting kita kene terima - cinta datang dan pergi, yang kekal cuma dengan izinNya. Selalunya yang aku dengar dan tengok selama ni, kekal sampai mati ialah cinta yang telus dari leluhur kita terhadap pasangan kita dan menguatkan ingatan kita kepada Allah (walaupun bukan pada mulanya, insya Allah pengakhirannya begini). Dan yang ikhlas itu, bak kata Imam Ghazali, bagaikan benda yang hitam, di atas batu yang hitam, di malam yang gelap. So memang betul lah depa cakap, true love is rare. 

Bagiku, cinta inilah yang patut kita perjuangkan sebenar-benarnya.  

ps: Since aku sendiri pun tak kawin lagi, takdelah aku nak kata aku sendiri pun berjaya dalam percintaan, tapi kalau korang rasa tip kat atas tu berguna, pakaijelah eh? Bagitau lah result dia nanti - kahwin ke tak. ;)

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18.9.09

Tale of Two Brothers - Mubarak and Ramadhan

Posted by Missy eLLe | Labels:

When it comes to this topic, it's typical for some people to write about their favourite Eid Mubarak experience and dishes - the lemang, rendang, ketupat, khuzzi and bread (for Kelantanese), Kerutuk (Kelantan dish also), dodol etc. You name it - every homecooked, sentimental dish is always mentioned, very typical of us Malaysians to let our lives revolve around food. Mana tak gemuk (self note)?


Not to mention, it is also very typical for some people to pen down how much they miss their childhood Eid Mubaraks - the bunga api, mercun, mercun buluh, pelita, main masak-masak, galah panjang, duit raya etc. Some would indulge in memories of those luxuries that once, used to entice us kids, everytime we balik kampung.

Just like any Malaysian, my Raya in the past had been very typical. Technically as the years pass by there's nothing new. The tradition has lived on, just like it was in the past.

Signs of old age on my grandma, aunties and uncles, however, are new. Cousins growing up, having their own careers are new. Younger cousins getting married are also new (yeah, sudah langkah gua punya bendul!). Cousins breeding more younglings are new. Grandma's house getting more crowded every year, is new. As for myself, having to give instead of receiving some duit raya in these past few years, is somewhat new.

Otherwise, life hasn't changed much - that same familiar warm feeling whenever my family and I balik kampung is still there. Since I am going back tomorrow, I would be expecting the same scrumptuous rendang made especially by the famous chef in our house, my aunt, and grandma. The same lemang and dodol that takes hours to make by my industrious uncles behind my grandma's house - you know, at the "pondok kenduri" outside. The same gossip, usik-mengusik, soklan cepumas - bila nak kahwin will be made.

Yet each year, I look forward to this moment.

What is new for me this year is, feeling amiss of Ramadhan. Nothing beats the solace, peacefulness and blessed feelings it brings by its mere presence. Even more grateful I am for is Ramadhan has changed me so much. It has taught me the meaning of patience, preserverance, abstinence and love. It has shown me answers to many unanswered questions. I hope to see those revelations coming true soon, Insya Allah. To some degree, I hope I have changed some of my habits during Ramadhan, for the better of course, and will remain to do so until after that.

To those who sought Lailatul Qadr, I hope you've found it. May all your prayers and wishes come true, Insya Allah.

Hopefully, spiritually and mentally, Ramadhan has embodied us all, and not left us in vain.

Amiin. We'll miss you Ramadhan, I really hope and pray to see you again next year. But at Allah's will, we'll have to make way for Mubarak for now.

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